Fertility - Starting again after a miscarriage

In August 2016 we suffered a miscarriage this affected every part of our lives. It kick started a downward spiral as we negated being grief stricken and heart broken. We just didn’t no how to communicate as a couple and generally did things that a grieving couple should have avoided.

My husband has been training to be an accountant for many years and had one more year till he qualified. We decided that he should just continue his studies and not take a break for himself. Although he carried on till the end it was a real struggle for us both to comfort each other as he had to study harder than he ever has. We also decided to start trying right away and we were no way ready to deal with the emotions that come with infertility. The constant negative tests and lack of cycles took a toll till we took the decision to take a break and concentrate on our mental health.

We are now in a better place my Bipolar is being treated with drugs and courses (currently waiting on therapy but that’s a complete mess of a rant about metal health services in the UK). Being medicated has changed me as a person and where I was unable to cry for a long time I can now show emotions more than I ever have and this has strangely helped to communicate my fears and worries to myself and Rich.

To get back into the place we were in 2016 before our miscarriage we need to make some changes in our diets and physical health as when dealing with the mental pain diet and exercise have gone out the window. Takeaways and junk food habits are hard to change so we are making very slow and small changes to loose the habits.

I am currently going back to the healthy plan I used back in 2015/16 and trying to increase my fruit and vegetable intake while weaning myself off sugar (serious sweet tooth caused by medication). I am hoping that summer hopefully on its way with the abundance of seasonal fruit and my favourite being berries are going to help. I want to get back into cooking meals from scratch and are looking for quick and simple meals to satisfy are hunger and takeaway cravings. One thing I did carry on is not drinking alcohol and caffeine (pretty proud of the caffeine as I have taken a liking to coffee recently)  

I am also back to taking my regular Vitamins of pre-natals and omega 3’s and so is Rich. Is there any other vitamins I should be taking? What time of the day do I take them?

I don’t no when or where this journey is going to end. I don’t no if we will succeed in becoming the family we crave however, we are more and more optimistic at the moment which is one step closer to mentally being in a good place.

Thanks for reading and baby dust to all xx

Life update and my diagnosis. (trigger warning)

Life Update

Where have I been? What have I been up to? Where did the last year go?

These are questions I have been asking myself recently and the answer is I do not no.

In the last 18 months I have been the lowest and highest I have ever been, I spent months in bed barely able to do my basic needs, I have put my family and friends through hell when I didn’t see a yesterday and tried to take my own life. I have had weeks when I have been flying so high making ridiculous plans that thankfully never happened and all the while spending money I don’t have. I am not the same person I once was and its scary.  

October last year I was diagnosed with Bipolar Affective Disorder Type 2, and I am okay with that. It means I am finally able to get the help I have been needing for years. I understand myself more than I ever have and I am learning slowly to change habits that I have been using since I was a teenager.

I lost my job at the beginning of the year and for the 1^st time since I was 17 I have no routine and that’s weird. I need to find ways to spend each day without Youtube videos or Netflix taking over my life. When people ask me what are my hobbies are I usually rattle off reading, gaming and swimming however, I rarely do them. In all honesty I am at a bit of a crossroads in my life but none of the roads have a destination and I am going stir crazy with the 4 walls around me.

When I was 18 I had plans (those mainly were losing my virginity and dance till all hours) I wanted to be a nurse and find myself while travelling. Those plans disappeared. Did I disappear? Where did I go? What have I become?

I am currently 31 and I am having to start again like I am 18. I have no idea where this new road is going to take me and whether I will stick to it but if the last 18 months have taught me something it is that I am loved by a man who makes me happy, I have family that have a bit of understanding about me and friends who are always there to listen.

At the moment I am happy to be getting help and very confused about what is going to happen next. 

Thanks for reading xx

** I want to add the amazing service I have received in the past few months. The charity Mind have been so good with courses and a really good Bipolar group I just want to leave there website here in case anybody is in any need of there help. I have also added the Samaritans number and website just in case anyone is reading this in crisis and need someone to talk to. 

Mind - https://www.mind.org.uk/

Samaritans -   Call 116123 in the UK and ROI      https://www.samaritans.org/

Our Lazy Sunday Morning

Sundays are pretty simple in our house and we love our super lazy mornings. I love them because they are quiet, relaxing and a perfect time for me and my husband to just be quiet together. 

Sundays always start with a lie in whether we sleep in or just lie in bed together talking about the week and any general worries we might have.  This normally goes on until one of us (this is usually me) gets hungry. 

I woke up yesterday morning feeling fairly groggy (think I am getting a cold) so wanted something comforting for breakfast so we decided on Banana Porridge and a good old cup of tea.  

Here is the recipe I use, it's pretty simple and easily serves 2.

1 cup Oats
2 cups Milk
1 large banana (makes the porridge sweeter if they're riper)
Tsp Honey
Sprinkle of Cinnamon (to taste)
Hand full of dried fruit (optional)

I added the oats to a saucepan with the milk and on a medium low heat gently heated the porridge. When starting to thicken I added the banana, cinnamon and honey and heated until the bananas disintegrated a little and was the consistency you like it. I like mine served hot with some raisins, however we had ran out. I also tipped in a lot of cinnamon as the top fell off oops. 

While eating our breakfast we have recently got into the habit of watching Waking The Dead that we tape the night before on the Drama channel, however yesterday this was disrupted as when the Hamsters woke up we took this time to clean out their cages. 

We have two Syrian Hamsters (our fur babies) called Arnold and Maisie who are adorable and a little crazy at times (just like their human parents lol).

Maisie 

Arnold

. 

These two little cuties make Sundays all the better, even if it's putting on rubber gloves to clean up their poo. 

We love our Sundays and I believe we are a closer couple for it, just spending that bit of time being together makes all the difference. 

Thanks for reading.

Just Kelly xx 

October Favorites

Where did October go, wasn't it August just yesterday?

I haven't done a favourites post in a while so here we go. 

TV 

This month has not been the coldest start to Autumn, however I have embraced my pre-hibernation phase and have enjoyed lots of TV. 

While most people have been watching the new seasons of Stranger things etc I have been reliving my love of Big Bang Theory and have maybe watched (ok definitely watched) seasons 7,8 and most of 9. I remembered how much I loved the gang and cried again when Mrs Wolowitz died. I have also been obsessed with Strictly Come Dancing and have not only been watching the main Saturday night show but also the sister show It Takes Two for my nightly fix. 

I watch loads of YouTube however, one channel that has really stuck out is Rhiannon Ashley Vlogs shes been vlogging every other day in October and I watch her just before I go to sleep as I find her little family so relaxing and calm. 

Music

October was the month of singing Disney out loud in the house (not just me but hubby too) so I had to mention the Disney Hits playlist on Apple Music as it has the perfect mix of new and old to sing out loud while the houses either side do major house improvements and the drilling is driving me insane. 

Make up 

I have an addiction to Lipsticks, whether they are actually sticks or the liquid kind. This month I have been wearing the NYX Liquid Suede in the colour Sandstorm on most makeup days. It lasts all day even with eating and drinking.

The only other thing I have been wearing on my lips is an old original Carmex lip-salve. I forgot how good this was, my chapped lips are loving it. 

I have also loved dyeing my hair this month. In September I bleached the ends of my hair blonde, and this month I have dyed the ends bright pink. I used the Bleach London colour called "The Big Pink", it made my hair bright bright pink and I've loved it. When it fades after a few washes it goes a lovely rose gold. Having really thin and short hair I have been able to use the same bottle 3 times.  

Clothing and Accessories 

I love me a handbag and this year I have also jumped on the mustard band wagon (much to my husbands dismay, hes not letting me accessorize the whole house) with buying a mustard tote bag. This bag is the Molly zip tote bag, it has one big area which closes with a magnetic clasp and has a zipped pocket on the outside. I love that it has smaller straps and a detachable long strap. I have worn this bag constantly since I brought it in the beginning of October and I got 30% off which was a bonus. 

I also love me a cardigan and I have found my perfect over-sized chunky cardi. It's a brown boyfriend cardi from Primark and it's huge and warm and cozy. I have worn it every day in October, (my hubby even wore it one day waiting for the bus as he had forgotten to bring a hoodie and he didn't want to take it off.). If I haven't worn it out I have definitely worn it over my pj's at home (I am doing so now), its so warm!

With October over and November just starting I'm going to enjoy more cozy evenings with the hubby (he made me type that the cheeky over the shoulder reader hehe) and lots more hot chocolates and oh can we talk about Christmas yet?

Thanks for reading.

Just Kelly xxx

Our fertility story

 I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I have known since I was 16 however I was not diagnosed until I was 23.

PCOS is a very common condition that affects 1 in 10 women and is also a cause of my infertility. I have many other symptoms that effect my day to day life; these include facial hair, thinning hair, excessive weight gain and insulin resistance.

I have always been aware of my infertility as at my 1^st consultant appointment at 16 the Dr told me I would have great difficulty conceiving.  This came as a shock as I have always wanted to be a mum having grown up in a separated family.

When I met Richard in 2009 we started talking about the future and where life was going to go. This is where I mentioned to him my dream of having a family. Richard having been the youngest of 5 told me he would like to have a large family with lots of children running around to play football with.

We had not long been living together and not really thinking about starting a family yet when we  though that I might be pregnant. We took a test and it was the first of many negative tests we have taken. Seeing how disappointed we had been at the negative we talked about trying and we both wanted to start our family right away so we agreed to try without really trying.

I am unsure when just casually trying turned into tracking and really wondering why it was taking too long.  We got engaged and with that our time got taken up by wedding planning and, as we were still trying, we put not being pregnant down to the stress of wedding planning.

We got married in 2013. This is when we went back to talking about why we hadn’t had a baby. There were many trips to the Dr’s as I was not having any cycles and losing weight was becoming impossible. It didn’t matter what I tried I would lose a couple of LB’s on one week and put it on the next. This was the heaviest I had been ever and it was really starting to get to me.

It wasn’t until July 2015 that I broke down in a GP appointment with a locum Dr and after pleading with her she finally listened to me and referred me to the fertility clinic. This referral was immediately declined due to my BMI being too high. However, it did have some positives as in the letter that was sent back there were different suggestions for the Dr to try. 

Having not had a period in 2 years this was the top priority as not having a period increases the risks of things going wrong within the uterus. I was put on hormones to induce my periods and started Metformin. This diabetic drug regulates the insulin levels that in turn help with hormones. It was also suggested I be referred to an NHS weight management program to help with bringing the weight down.

Weight started going down pretty quickly after starting the Metformin, from the weight management referral to starting the 2-year course I had lost 4 kilos. It took taking the Metformin for 3 months for my cycles to start by themselves without hormones and a further couple of months to get a regular 33-day cycle.  The weight management course really teaches you the basics of feeding yourself, exercise and the emotional help you may need. We also got referred to an Endocrinologist to see if there was anything else I could do and after some questioning at this appointment the consultant wanted my husband to have a fertility test. We found out that, although my husband has a good amount of sperm and they are mostly fast enough, less than 10% are good enough to fertilize an egg.

It took losing 10 kilos and 10 months of taking Metformin to get pregnant which was a really surprise that I actually got pregnant naturally.

After having the miscarriage, we are still ever hopeful and if it happened once it may happen again. It took 7 years of fighting/trying to get pregnant fingers crossed it doesn’t take 7 years for a miracle again.

Just Kelly xxx 

Our sunny weekend together

This weekend was a rare weekend where my husband was 1 not working on a Saturday morning and 2 deciding to do less studying. The weather in the UK has been beautiful and sunny so spending the weekend inside doing housework was not going to happen.  

Saturday morning we packed up a picnic of treats and leftover pizza from the night before and set off  in a local small ferry across the Tamar to Mount Edgecombe in Cornwall. Here in the Westcountry we had lots of beautiful places to explore and this lovely country estate is perfect for picnics and relaxing in the sun. 

We set up our duvet cover (realized in the morning we do not own a picnic blanket) and while hubby did some studying I lounged in the sun reading and filling out my planner and new journal.  A lovely elderly man sat at a nearby bench and chatted to us while eating his sandwiches. He told us about how when he was younger this is where him and his sadly deceased wife used to take picnics. As we ate our lunch we listened to this weeks podcast of my dad wrote a porno (our new weekly obsession were currently catching up on the previous seasons). 

While over there we also explored the coastal walks and what the beautiful woodland estate hide. We  came across a secret garden and a country pub where we both enjoyed a beer before getting the ferry back home. 

With the year we have had taking a day/weekend to just reconnect is doing us the world of good. 

Hope everyone is enjoying the start of summer and have little trips planned. 

Just Kelly xxx   

May favourites

Pinch punch the 1st of the month! 

Happy June and the start of summer. (June is summer right?) 

May has been a good month it's the month of my birthday and I turned 31. The weather has been pretty good other than the week of my birthday where it pretty much rained all week. 

With the sun shining and the later nights my mood has improved and I have a list of things I would like to do this summer. My husband still has a few months left of his course but the end is near so we have decided to enjoy life and go on long walks and concentrate on being a couple again. 

Well this has been a long intro for my may favorites so here they are.

Since going on Metformin and Prenatals my hormones have been balancing and having monthly cycles has changed the condition of my hair and scalp. My hair has become thicker and a little stronger and my scalp has being more sensitive and itchy so I needed a shampoo that was gentle to my scalp and still protected my hair. I have been using Garnier the delicate soother for a couple of months and now my scalp is feeling less irritated and my hair is feeling clean and conditioned. 

My skin is also going through some changes due to hormones my usual sensitive oily skin has become combination skin with some very dry patches. Also now I get the dreaded pre-menstual acne around my mouth and on my chin. I have found Soap and Glory vitamin c facial wash completely cleanses my skin and removes dead skin. I'm also using simple toner (not sure if this does anything or I use it out of habit). I end my routine with Garnier moisture bomb day and night cream. This routine has made my skin cleaner, softer and generally feeling a bit better. 

My favourite candles this month have been three from Primark. I don't tend to burn many candles in summer, however we have burnt these most nights through May. These candles were only a pound each and the scents really dissipates throughout the room. My favourite scents are deep nectar and ginger flower, amberwood and rose and wild orchard and honey. All three are floral and fresh and make my house smell amazing. 

I hope everyone have had a good May and that June is going to be just as good. 

Just Kelly xxx