Fertility - Starting again after a miscarriage

In August 2016 we suffered a miscarriage this affected every part of our lives. It kick started a downward spiral as we negated being grief stricken and heart broken. We just didn’t no how to communicate as a couple and generally did things that a grieving couple should have avoided.

My husband has been training to be an accountant for many years and had one more year till he qualified. We decided that he should just continue his studies and not take a break for himself. Although he carried on till the end it was a real struggle for us both to comfort each other as he had to study harder than he ever has. We also decided to start trying right away and we were no way ready to deal with the emotions that come with infertility. The constant negative tests and lack of cycles took a toll till we took the decision to take a break and concentrate on our mental health.

We are now in a better place my Bipolar is being treated with drugs and courses (currently waiting on therapy but that’s a complete mess of a rant about metal health services in the UK). Being medicated has changed me as a person and where I was unable to cry for a long time I can now show emotions more than I ever have and this has strangely helped to communicate my fears and worries to myself and Rich.

To get back into the place we were in 2016 before our miscarriage we need to make some changes in our diets and physical health as when dealing with the mental pain diet and exercise have gone out the window. Takeaways and junk food habits are hard to change so we are making very slow and small changes to loose the habits.

I am currently going back to the healthy plan I used back in 2015/16 and trying to increase my fruit and vegetable intake while weaning myself off sugar (serious sweet tooth caused by medication). I am hoping that summer hopefully on its way with the abundance of seasonal fruit and my favourite being berries are going to help. I want to get back into cooking meals from scratch and are looking for quick and simple meals to satisfy are hunger and takeaway cravings. One thing I did carry on is not drinking alcohol and caffeine (pretty proud of the caffeine as I have taken a liking to coffee recently)  

I am also back to taking my regular Vitamins of pre-natals and omega 3’s and so is Rich. Is there any other vitamins I should be taking? What time of the day do I take them?

I don’t no when or where this journey is going to end. I don’t no if we will succeed in becoming the family we crave however, we are more and more optimistic at the moment which is one step closer to mentally being in a good place.

Thanks for reading and baby dust to all xx

Our fertility story

 I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I have known since I was 16 however I was not diagnosed until I was 23.

PCOS is a very common condition that affects 1 in 10 women and is also a cause of my infertility. I have many other symptoms that effect my day to day life; these include facial hair, thinning hair, excessive weight gain and insulin resistance.

I have always been aware of my infertility as at my 1^st consultant appointment at 16 the Dr told me I would have great difficulty conceiving.  This came as a shock as I have always wanted to be a mum having grown up in a separated family.

When I met Richard in 2009 we started talking about the future and where life was going to go. This is where I mentioned to him my dream of having a family. Richard having been the youngest of 5 told me he would like to have a large family with lots of children running around to play football with.

We had not long been living together and not really thinking about starting a family yet when we  though that I might be pregnant. We took a test and it was the first of many negative tests we have taken. Seeing how disappointed we had been at the negative we talked about trying and we both wanted to start our family right away so we agreed to try without really trying.

I am unsure when just casually trying turned into tracking and really wondering why it was taking too long.  We got engaged and with that our time got taken up by wedding planning and, as we were still trying, we put not being pregnant down to the stress of wedding planning.

We got married in 2013. This is when we went back to talking about why we hadn’t had a baby. There were many trips to the Dr’s as I was not having any cycles and losing weight was becoming impossible. It didn’t matter what I tried I would lose a couple of LB’s on one week and put it on the next. This was the heaviest I had been ever and it was really starting to get to me.

It wasn’t until July 2015 that I broke down in a GP appointment with a locum Dr and after pleading with her she finally listened to me and referred me to the fertility clinic. This referral was immediately declined due to my BMI being too high. However, it did have some positives as in the letter that was sent back there were different suggestions for the Dr to try. 

Having not had a period in 2 years this was the top priority as not having a period increases the risks of things going wrong within the uterus. I was put on hormones to induce my periods and started Metformin. This diabetic drug regulates the insulin levels that in turn help with hormones. It was also suggested I be referred to an NHS weight management program to help with bringing the weight down.

Weight started going down pretty quickly after starting the Metformin, from the weight management referral to starting the 2-year course I had lost 4 kilos. It took taking the Metformin for 3 months for my cycles to start by themselves without hormones and a further couple of months to get a regular 33-day cycle.  The weight management course really teaches you the basics of feeding yourself, exercise and the emotional help you may need. We also got referred to an Endocrinologist to see if there was anything else I could do and after some questioning at this appointment the consultant wanted my husband to have a fertility test. We found out that, although my husband has a good amount of sperm and they are mostly fast enough, less than 10% are good enough to fertilize an egg.

It took losing 10 kilos and 10 months of taking Metformin to get pregnant which was a really surprise that I actually got pregnant naturally.

After having the miscarriage, we are still ever hopeful and if it happened once it may happen again. It took 7 years of fighting/trying to get pregnant fingers crossed it doesn’t take 7 years for a miracle again.

Just Kelly xxx 

Starting again.

It’s been almost 9 months since we had our miscarriage and it’s been a very numb, strange and emotional few months where both my husband and I have been playing this game of grieving.

Neither of us really knew how to comfort each other when both of us were hurting so much however, the silver lining of having a miscarriage is we are stronger than we ever could imagine.  I feel that we are coming through the other side of the black cloud that has surrounded our lives for the past 9 months.

We decided early on that we wanted to try again and I think we started to try before both of us were really ready to face the facts. We both have fertility issues.

I have Polycystic ovaries (PCOS) and my husband has fertility issues our statistics are not the best but we are both hopeful. We always knew about my PCOS but we only found out about my husband’s infertility just a month after the loss and we were not really in a good place emotionally to address it.

Now however, we are ready to start again. Back to the vitamins. Back to the eating fresh food and losing weight. Back to being us and not shadows going through the motions of living.

It’s never going to go away and I will never be the person I was before but I think I am ok with that as life is always ups and downs and it’s how we deal with the downs that make the good times great.

Just Kelly xx

Dear Jelly Bean (my miscarriage story)

On the 26th August 2016 I had a miscarriage. I am the 1 in 5. 

Dear Jelly Bean,

This is our story.

We tried for you for 5 years. You were loved before you were a twinkle in mine and your dads eye.

We found out about you on the Saturday 21st August 2015 and we were delighted. I must have looked at the line on the stick about a thousand times. You see me and your dad had seen a lot of negative tests and seeing the two lines was so unbelievable that your dad even walked to the local pharmacy and made me take the test again just to make sure.  

 Grandma was the 1st to know and wasn't she excited after tears and screeching down the phone wanting to shout to the whole world that you the little miracle were there. 

Your dads mum and dad were next to find out there reactions as loud and tearful as Grandma. My dad and step mum couldn't believe it and needed to see the test as I said your are a miracle. 

Sunday 22nd August I downloaded all the pregnancy apps and calculated that I was approximately 5 weeks and you would be due around the 20th April 2017. Excitedly we got the bus into the city center and dreamed about what prams, highchairs, cribs and clothes you would have. 

This day was the 1st day I recognized the symptoms I had been feeling for the last week were pregnancy symptoms. I nearly threw up in Starbucks at the smell of coffee and I have never looked at a tomato quite the same as I salivated and  wanted to eat one like an apple. 

Your dad and I walked hand and hand feeling the proudest we have ever felt you were our little secret that only a select few knew about.

Monday 23rd of August 2016 through a fog of nausea I worked and told the GP about you and she confirmed you would be an April baby. 

Wednesday 24th August 2016 I slept in to half 8 and had to run to the toilet for a wee (another pregnancy symptom) this is when the bleeding started a tiny amount at 1st but gradually heavier. 

My step mum took me to the Drs and came in with me. The Dr tried to reassure me and told me you were too small to show up on a scan and we would have to wait till the end of the week to see you. 

I'm sorry my mothering instincts told me your were going I really did want to believe you were going to stay with us. Your dad came home from work in a whirl wind of emotions and tears. We held each other and hoped it wasn't true. 

Thursday 25th August 2016 this was the day you left us. 

At 6am I went to the toilet you laid there on the tissue about the size of a blueberry I stared at you for a good 5 mins before I called for your dad to see you. The next few hours went by in a daze of tears, pacing and surprisingly cleaning. 

The Dr rang and confirmed you were gone at 10am and we were crushed. Your life flashed past my eyes 1st step, 1st word, 1st day at school, day trips to the seaside and graduating university. All three of us were robbed of a lifetime of happy memories. 

The days and weeks that have followed I have gone through a mass of emotions questioning whether I am a mum. Do I celebrate mothers day if I never held you or fed you. I may not of done these things but, I loved you every single second you were alive if not more. 

Your Nanny took you home with her and buried you in her garden you have a beautiful spot and your very own plaque and rose bush. You are so loved. 

Thursday 25th August 2016 is a day that will never be forgotten and you will never be forgotten. I will love you forever and even when/if we have more children you will always be my first. 

All my love. Always 

Mum xxx