Wednesday, 21 September 2016

Dear Jelly Bean (my miscarriage story)

On the 26th August 2016 I had a miscarriage. I am the 1 in 5. 

Dear Jelly Bean,

This is our story.

We tried for you for 5 years. You were loved before you were a twinkle in mine and your dads eye.

We found out about you on the Saturday 21st August 2015 and we were delighted. I must have looked at the line on the stick about a thousand times. You see me and your dad had seen a lot of negative tests and seeing the two lines was so unbelievable that your dad even walked to the local pharmacy and made me take the test again just to make sure.  

 Grandma was the 1st to know and wasn't she excited after tears and screeching down the phone wanting to shout to the whole world that you the little miracle were there. 

Your dads mum and dad were next to find out there reactions as loud and tearful as Grandma. My dad and step mum couldn't believe it and needed to see the test as I said your are a miracle. 

Sunday 22nd August I downloaded all the pregnancy apps and calculated that I was approximately 5 weeks and you would be due around the 20th April 2017. Excitedly we got the bus into the city center and dreamed about what prams, highchairs, cribs and clothes you would have. 

This day was the 1st day I recognized the symptoms I had been feeling for the last week were pregnancy symptoms. I nearly threw up in Starbucks at the smell of coffee and I have never looked at a tomato quite the same as I salivated and  wanted to eat one like an apple. 

Your dad and I walked hand and hand feeling the proudest we have ever felt you were our little secret that only a select few knew about.

Monday 23rd of August 2016 through a fog of nausea I worked and told the GP about you and she confirmed you would be an April baby. 

Wednesday 24th August 2016 I slept in to half 8 and had to run to the toilet for a wee (another pregnancy symptom) this is when the bleeding started a tiny amount at 1st but gradually heavier. 

My step mum took me to the Drs and came in with me. The Dr tried to reassure me and told me you were too small to show up on a scan and we would have to wait till the end of the week to see you. 

I'm sorry my mothering instincts told me your were going I really did want to believe you were going to stay with us. Your dad came home from work in a whirl wind of emotions and tears. We held each other and hoped it wasn't true. 

Thursday 25th August 2016 this was the day you left us. 

At 6am I went to the toilet you laid there on the tissue about the size of a blueberry I stared at you for a good 5 mins before I called for your dad to see you. The next few hours went by in a daze of tears, pacing and surprisingly cleaning. 

The Dr rang and confirmed you were gone at 10am and we were crushed. Your life flashed past my eyes 1st step, 1st word, 1st day at school, day trips to the seaside and graduating university. All three of us were robbed of a lifetime of happy memories. 

The days and weeks that have followed I have gone through a mass of emotions questioning whether I am a mum. Do I celebrate mothers day if I never held you or fed you. I may not of done these things but, I loved you every single second you were alive if not more. 

Your Nanny took you home with her and buried you in her garden you have a beautiful spot and your very own plaque and rose bush. You are so loved. 

Thursday 25th August 2016 is a day that will never be forgotten and you will never be forgotten. I will love you forever and even when/if we have more children you will always be my first. 

All my love. Always 

Mum xxx

1 comment:

  1. This is beautiful Kelly, you are so strong and i look up to you for that:)