Where have I been? What have I been up to? Where did the last year go?
These are questions I have been asking myself recently and the answer is I do not no.
In the last 18 months I have been the lowest and highest I have ever been, I spent months in bed barely able to do my basic needs, I have put my family and friends through hell when I didn’t see a yesterday and tried to take my own life. I have had weeks when I have been flying so high making ridiculous plans that thankfully never happened and all the while spending money I don’t have. I am not the same person I once was and its scary.
October last year I was diagnosed with Bipolar Affective Disorder Type 2, and I am okay with that. It means I am finally able to get the help I have been needing for years. I understand myself more than I ever have and I am learning slowly to change habits that I have been using since I was a teenager.
I lost my job at the beginning of the year and for the 1st time since I was 17 I have no routine and that’s weird. I need to find ways to spend each day without Youtube videos or Netflix taking over my life. When people ask me what are my hobbies are I usually rattle off reading, gaming and swimming however, I rarely do them. In all honesty I am at a bit of a crossroads in my life but none of the roads have a destination and I am going stir crazy with the 4 walls around me.
When I was 18 I had plans (those mainly were losing my virginity and dance till all hours) I wanted to be a nurse and find myself while travelling. Those plans disappeared. Did I disappear? Where did I go? What have I become?
I am currently 31 and I am having to start again like I am 18. I have no idea where this new road is going to take me and whether I will stick to it but if the last 18 months have taught me something it is that I am loved by a man who makes me happy, I have family that have a bit of understanding about me and friends who are always there to listen.
At the moment I am happy to be getting help and very confused about what is going to happen next.
Thanks for reading xx
** I want to add the amazing service I have received in the past few months. The charity Mind have been so good with courses and a really good Bipolar group I just want to leave there website here in case anybody is in any need of there help. I have also added the Samaritans number and website just in case anyone is reading this in crisis and need someone to talk to.
Mind - https://www.mind.org.uk/
Samaritans - Call 116123 in the UK and ROI https://www.samaritans.org/